The Pain He Almost Couldn't Handle
by Forbidden Romance
Summary: Trying to forget someone you loved is like trying to remember someone you never knew.


-1_**I hadn't blown the whole thing years ago**_

_**I might no be alone **_

Noah knew he let it get the best of him. His fear. And it still bothered him, five years later. He let the person who wanted to help him, stood by him even when he was an ass, who could have been the most important person in Noah's life slip away.

* * *

There was only so much a person could take, Noah knew this. But it still stung the day he left. It was almost impossible to explain to Maddie why he was so upset, without telling her the truth. But he did it, he came up with some bullshit reason he didn't even remember. And she bought it. 

He didn't have to lie to her about his reasons for leaving the internship and WOAK completely, he said that he couldn't take the memories anymore. She took that as his memories of his father there. Noah didn't bother to correct her. She never noticed him wince when he entered the office or how he'd stiffen at the mention of _him_. And she never noticed the tears he'd cry late at night, sobbing his name.

They broke up of course, Noah didn't want to be with her. He was gay, it'd just taken him too long to admit it. He tried calling him, but a monotone voice told him the number wasn't in service.

The only one who understood was Lily, who wanted to help Noah but couldn't betray his wishes. He was her son after all. He think Maddie finally figured it out when he moved in with the Snyder's into Luke's old room.

Lily heard him crying late at night, praying for him to come back, so he could tell him how sorry he was. And how he was everything he wanted and he'd make it up to him if he gave him the chance.

Lily talked to Luke regularly, telling him all of this. She heard Luke sniffle over the line and tell her he had to go. It was too late.

What Lily didn't know was, Noah knew when she'd call him and he'd sit outside the door, hoping maybe he'd be able to hear his voice and find peace. He also knew he was kind of pathetic. He wished he could forget him, fade him from his memory.

He didn't know if Lily told Luke about his suicide attempt, but he presumed she did. And he wondered if Luke cared. One time in the hospital, Noah thought he saw him, and his heart soared. It wasn't Luke. And he couldn't explain to the nurses why he was crying and ripping the IV out. How could explain to someone that physical pain was much better than emotional?

It'd been a year since he'd seen him. And Noah has wasted into nothing. He was sickeningly thin and seemed to have shrunk.

It was Christmas time now. And Noah figured Luke had to come home for that right? Which he did. He just refused to see Noah. Or so he thought, it was basically implied. Christmas was in Luke's hotel room that year.

He hated the look in Lily's eyes when they had to leave the house. He knew she felt sorry for him. But by now he was used to it. Everyone felt sorry for him. He wasn't the same man he was when he got to town.

Noah thought about suicide again, even had the razor. But it was Christmas, and after all the Snyder's did for him, he couldn't do that too them then.

They all came back hours later, smiling. Smiles they tried to hide when they saw Noah. Faith hugged him. "He doesn't know what he's missing," she whispered. And Noah cried.

Lily handed him a box, it was small. "It's from Luke," she said quietly, ushering everyone out of the room.

Noah stared at it, wondering if it would explode. Finally he just opened it. It was a picture, in a frame. Of Luke. Tears rolled down Noah's cheeks. "Luke," he gasped. He didn't see the note flutter out and under the island. 'I love you,' it read. No one would ever find it.

It'd be a year before Noah would come out of his room, looking thinner than ever and his eyes badly sunken. He looked dead. And honestly, he didn't feel alive. He'd never changed anything in Luke's room. Everything stayed the same, the sheet never got changed, though Lily had tried. Noah kind of flipped out and begged her not to change them. She had smiled sadly and left.

In that year Noah read every book Luke had, listened to every cd, and watched every movie. In Noah's mind it made him feel closer to him.

And now that he was out of the room, he'd only wear Luke's clothes. He'd left them all there those two years ago. And the sad thing was, even Luke's clothes were too big for Noah.

A few more years passed, and everything was the same. Except that Maddie got married and Noah's father had died. They never told him. Not sure he could handle anymore loss.

It was the second attempt on his life, in the fifth year he was gone that brought Luke back to Oakdale to see him. Luke's eyes were burnt with tears when he saw him. "What happened to you Noah?" he asked.

Noah didn't say anything. He couldn't. He'd lost his ability to speak. Literally. It'd finally become too much and something had to shut down.

Luke kissed him while he was asleep, or half there anyway. Luke hadn't stopped crying since he got there.

"I love you, Noah," he whispered.

Noah smiled, his first real smile in years. "I lo--ve you too."

Luke stroked his face, kissing him again. "I'm sorry," he murmured against his lips.

"Don't be," Noah said. "It was my fault."

Luke wiped away Noah's tears. "I'm not leaving you again," he whispered in his ear.

Things were looking up for them. And maybe they could finally be happy.


End file.
